You Can Thank Me for Your Boyfriend

I don't recall if I saw it in a movie or read it in a book, but I am the girlfriend that a guy dates before he gets married, so to speak.  (Only one that I know of is now actually married, but you get my gist).

It's almost ironic now, but my seventeen year old self once made a collage of words and images, and on this particular collage (which still hangs prominently in my old bedroom at my parent's house) there is a comic strip.  Orange in background, it presents an awkward party scene: girl standing and looking desperate to get away; geeky guy standing in front of her, drink in hand and pocket protector on his short-sleeved 1950s-style dress shirt saying, "Are you interested in a fixer-upper?".  I kid you not, this is the epitomy of my love life.  Sigh.

Here are some examples:

Boyfriend #1:  The Immature Bastard
This boyfriend wasn't really actually ever my "official" boyfriend, but we dated off and on for a few years.  He was a habitual liar, charming, but a liar nonetheless, who was semi-obsessed with his ex-girlfriend.  Bad things that he did to me included stealing my car from my place of employment and rear-ending his ex's car, used me for countless rides to I don't even know where, and repeatedly lied about any and everything.  I suspect he probably stole from me a couple of times, and then there was that time I caught him reading my journal.  (Ha!  The prick got what he deserved).  Worse things that I did to him to teach him a lesson: left him on the side of a major interstate when he wouldn't stop speaking to me disrespectfully, created a list with my best friend of reasons why I couldn't have sex with him (this made the "I have to wash my hair excuse" pale in comparison to any excuses we made up), had some of my "boys" teach him a lesson about lying and stealing, and called the cops to report that he had driven through an apartment community gate along with a full-description of his soon to be disabled non-registered and non-licensed car.  Needless to say, we eventually parted ways and fell out of touch...amicably, I'll add.  He went on to finish Real Estate school (before the market got too bad), moved to another state, and now has a beautiful daughter.  He was the boyfriend who just needed some maturing under his belt.

Boyfriend #2:  The Inexperienced Drug-Addict
My inexperienced drug-addict boyfriend had a good heart and was a free spirit looking for a fun time.  He also apparently did way too much Acid in high-school.  I never was quite certain if he was just that dumb and goofy, or if he was the way he was because of all of the drugs he had ingested over the years.  I was only the second girl to date him (Boyfriend #1 made sure to tell me this and that everyone thought he was gay because of this-they were "friends") so he was very inexperienced in the, ahem, love department...almost comically so.  We didn't date long because he was always looking for a party and a place to get high.  Somehow he managed to stay out of jail and keep a job while we were together.  He was the one who called me randomly every few months to ask to see me or to just keep in touch, and, of course, look for a party.  He too now has a child, and just recently got married.

Boyfriend #3:  The Drama-King/Alcoholic
This boyfriend went to a small college within commuting distance of one of the top party schools in the United States.  He was older than me, cocky as hell, and as far as I could see, someone who posed a challenge that needed to be put in his place.  I should have known that when he showed up for our first date with a soda in his hand that something was up.  See, he was 21 and I was only 19.  I think we went bowling and he ended up going home.  I never saw him sober again after that.  Once, I found him lying in between the couch and the coffee table in my living room babbling some nonsense about how I needed to go to the party school because where I was attending college didn't matter.  My roommate came out of her bedroom to see what the problem was and immediately started laughing.  He talked constantly during his drunken rambles of wanting to be a Firefighter, but alcohol was far more important it seemed, because all he did was just that-talk.  And drink.

On what was to be our one-year anniversary, I foolishly booked a room at a nice hotel in the downtown area near where we lived.  I had my mom go with me to the nearest liquor store to purchase Moet (big in all the rap songs of that time) and a bottle of Martini and Rossi Asti (still my favorite drink).  I got dressed up nice, fixed my hair (that's BIG for me!) and drove downtown.  The jerk never showed or returned my calls.  According to my phone bill when I checked out of the room (yes, it was $1 for each local call) I called him 11 times, and I'm not going to lie, probably left some pretty psycho messages on his voicemail.  I never heard back from him.  Nevertheless, I called Boyfriend #1, who in turn sent some friends of his downtown and we partied in the hotel room...couldn't let a $200+ suite go to waste all because some guy was a pussy, right?

By the way, this boyfriend emailed me THREE YEARS LATER to apologize for standing me up that night.  He also mentioned that he was a recovering alcoholic, and that he had finally made it as a Firefighter.  These days, he's a Sergeant in a nice neighborhood not far from where we both grew up and has a girlfriend.  See, sometimes drama kings make it just fine.

Boyfriend #4:  The Lazy One with the Nonchalant Attitude
This boyfriend also turned out to be a drug addict (see description of Boyfriend #2); however, he was in denial and told both me and everyone he met that he was a "recovering addict".  He worked, but never hard, and always at mediocre jobs.  Oddly enough, he was fired from at least three of these jobs (that I know of) during the five years that we were together.  Did I mention that two of these times was allegedly for stealing, which he, of course, denied. 

He was a nice guy, a push-over, and gave me all of the space in the world.  He had no ambitions, no goals, and was completely content to go through life just, well, going through life.  Obsessed with computers and online games, I'm pretty sure any stress he ever felt was taken out on obscure, secret missions or frolicking in the woods shooting at God knows what with strangers in Zimbabwe (is that still a Country?), Canada, and a few cities over. 

After losing his last job, I pretty much forced him into applying at a major Drugstore chain where I had previously worked as a Shift Manager.  The old Assistant Manager of the store I had worked at hired him, and the lazy guy I had known for more than four years became obsessed with his new "leadership" role and began to look at his job as a career.

During our relationship, he had also gone from athletically fit (not slim by any means) to more than just a teddy bear.  I won't lie, I gained some weight too.  When it became too much, I purchased a treadmill and gym memberships for us both.  He became exercise-crazed and lost, I'd say, probably at least 40 pounds.  Eventually our relationship fizzled, yet he stayed with me because he was too lazy to break up with me.  I swear, I heard the biggest sigh of relief come out of his mouth when I told him I couldn't be with him anymore.  He is now the Store Manager of a location for that major Drugstore chain in the same city where Boyfriend #3 is a firefighter.  He also has a new girlfriend of 7 or 8 months and remains mum on the question I often ask to mess with him-is she the one?

Boyfriend #5:  The Current Boyfriend
Oh wait, he might be reading this.  Ha, you didn't really think I'd write about him yet, did you?  This blog, after all, is about my exes.  I'll update you though once I've nurtured this "fixer-upper" into doing his thing and sent him off to the next girl to marry and live his happily-after-ever and blah, blah, blah.

Me?  I'm S4L...Single for Life.  But hey, at least I'm doing my good deeds for mankind, and making some girls out there very happy and content with what used to be just an "eh" kind of guy.  After all, this is obviously God's calling to me in life, and I would never let Him down.

Happy, not lonely,
Freeway Fairington