I've Been Hibiclensed!

It's 4:30 in the morning on a Friday.  My alarm is going off incessantly in my ear.  My dog is licking my face.  I am grouchy.  The fact that it's 4:30 am on a Friday is reason enough for me to already be in a bad mood, but what's worse is that I can't eat or even drink water as my plans for the day revolve around going to the hospital for surgery.

The previous afternoon, the nurse that called to do my pre-op instructions by phone told me that I would need to purchase a product called Hibiclens and wash with it from the neck down that evening, and then again the morning of surgery.  She stated it was to, "help prevent infection".  I was a little skeptical of this since the surgery I was scheduled for was facial surgery...but hey, I didn't go to nursing school, and I don't work in a hospital.  I did as instructed and purchased the Hibiclens (located in the First Aid aisle, and ridiculously overpriced) at my local pharmacy and then came home to shower.

Before showering, I read the label on the box.  "Do not get in eyes-will cause blindness.  Do not get in or near ears-will cause deafness"...ummm, my heartbeat quickens a little bit.  I'm a very clumsy person.  I'm about to get in the shower, where water has the tendency to make liquid products go places where they probably shouldn't go.  This could be bad.  Very bad.

As I'm showering, I'm allowed to do all the normal stuff first-I just have to save the Hibiclens for last.  It's in a pastel teal container (if that's possible) that looks eerily similar to a bottle of Calamine Lotion.  The "soap" (?) is extremely watered-down and is almost burgundy in color, it pours out much faster than I was anticipating.  I hesitantly begin to rub the soap into my skin, extra careful to avoid those parts that definitely don't want to have anything to do with this potentially blinding and deafening soap.  And then I rinse for an approximate extra ten minutes.  No, I'm not joking, I really do and am quite certain that my next water bill will reflect this.  As soon as I step out of the shower, I begin to itch all over my body.  Of course.  I would be allergic to the stuff.  I checked the box the "soap" came in one more time.  No lie, the website listed for more information was www.hibigeebies.com.  WTF?

I apply lotion before going to bed, although I'm fairly certain that I'm NOT supposed to do this, since I'm supposed to shower again the following morning using the same toxic "soap"...but, the nurse didn't say I couldn't, so...

I still don't know if my "soap" prevented me from contracting any kind of weird mutant hospital bugs while in surgery, but I appear to be alive, well, and normal (for myself anyway).  And even if I had been infected, it wouldn't matter because I only used the soap on my body and not my face where I was actually being operated on...

Now, if anyone ever tells me that they're scared or feel something along the line of the "hibigeebies", I can tell them not to worry because there's a soap for that and to trust me because, "I've been Hibiclensed!".

Hibigeebie Free,
Freeway Fairington